Monday, July 29, 2013

Oh By Gosh, By Golly!!


Did you hear that??

That's the sound of me ... SMILING!!

And NOT swearing!!!

I just got back from my dentist know, the one I've been dreading for the last 9 months (read this Post "And The Tooth Fairy Can Kiss My Ass, Too!!" if you'd like to know what the heck I'm talking about)...

AND.... didn't even hurt one little bit.

I'm not even making this up.

It was beautiful!!!

It was like the good old days...back before I turned 40.

Here's how it happened:

So, a half hour before my appointment, I downed a couple of Advil (as has been my pre-dental cleaning pain-relieving precautionary measure since turning 40), reminisced about my last few nasty visits to the dentist, grumbled, cringed, swore a couple of times and then hopped into the car and drove to the dentist office with my soul chock full o' dread, tension and resentment.

I arrived and took a seat in the waiting room.


I read a few pages of a People magazine and got caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...


I hated myself for a second or two for getting caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...


Had a couple of xrays taken...pain-free.

No big deal.

Xrays never hurt anyway.


Then I was ushered back into the hall of horrors by the beautiful and kind Corinne. She showed me to her chair and I sat down.

She bibbed me up and leaned the chair back into ready position.

I put my sunglasses on...

Tensed my entire body up in order to face the imminent pain and suffering head on...

She lowered the light...

Game Time.

35ish minutes and some lovely chit chat later, she raised the light, put my chair back into its upright position and it was over.

Not. One. Single. Ouchie.

Even midway through, when she asked, "Is this area tender right here??',

I answered honestly and eagerly...


Before I stood up, I flipped my Oakleys to the top of my head and told reverent and hushed tones ... that she had just made me a very very happy girl and that my last several cleanings had been rather "unenjoyable" and that I loved her with all of my heart.

No, just jokes... I didn't tell her the last part about loving her with all of my heart...even though I do.

I actually had to keep myself reined in and force myself to not give her a great big hug of love and gratitude...I'm not a particularly huggy person, so the fact that I had to stop myself from embracing someone is really quite something.

Anyway, I walked out of there with a spankin' new blue toothbrush, some minty floss, a SpongeBob sticker, a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

I was ... and still am, really ... downright giddy.


Thank you, Corinne!! You are an angel of mercy and gentleness!! ...Do you think you could possibly put a good word in for me with the Tooth Fairy?? I kinda trash talked her a while back and may not be on her Or Nice list anymore.

And...thanks for the sticker.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

SHARK ATTACK!!! really.

They all survived their  Hawaii Shark Encounter.. limbs and innards intact.


There is actual video footage to prove it.


So, that's the sharks taken care of. there's just the almost-hurricane to contend with.


You've Certainly Outdone Yourself This Time, President!!

Me and My Guy were in the grocery store today and whilst wandering through the produce section, something peculiar caught my eye.

I immediately thought to my Self,

"What the hell is THAT, Self??!! It looks like a giant shiny green plastic penis!! I had no idea President's Choice was peddling sex toys now, too ... Joe Fresh indeed."

Upon reflection, I shouldn't have been so taken aback...after all, there is no shortage of phallus-shaped objects in the produce section...Actually, if you stop and think about it for a second, the number of veggies and fruit that resemble male dangly bits is quite staggering, really.

I'll give you a minute to think it over...

Am I right or am I right???

I'm right.

Penises aplenty.

Anyhow, once I recovered from the shock of being exposed to a shiny green plastic penis-shaped object, I brought it to My Guy's attention and we went a little closer in order to investigate.

We quickly figured out (by reading the label) that it was NOT a giant shiny green plastic penis...rather it WAS, in fact, a shiny green plastic Asparagus Holder....that kinda looks like a penis.


Oh, Almighty President!! You've made a mighty fine Choice this time around ...and I thank you for that.

I don't know how many times I've searched through my kitchen for a container to suitably store my asparagus...and, now, for 3 bucks I've got my very own shiny green plastic penis-shaped asparagus holder.

The kids'll get a huge kick out if it when the get home from Hawaii...if they don't get eaten by a shark...or washed away in a storm surge.

And, here it is....

Not a Penis

Tropical Adventures...A Mother's Delight

My children are in Hawaii hanging out with the ol Erstwhile Husband. He's working there for several weeks and the lucky little bastards/darlings get to spend 10 days with him.

This is all very lovely and I'm only slightly/a lot-ly jealous of their tropical escapades.

I miss them like crazy....the house is pretty quiet ...and tidy...without them here but overall, I am handling my temporarily empty nest with grace and peace.


Currently, there are a couple of things that are causing me a wee bit of motherly concern... so here's:

"A Comprehensive List of a Couple of Things that are Currently Causing Me a Wee Bit of Motherly Concern Regarding the Fact that My Children are Currently in Hawaii... with Their Father"
by: squirrel_e_girl

  • Thing #1:

  • Thing B:


Sharks and Hurricanes.

Of course.


Being the safety-conscious parent I am, I sent them this wardrobe suggestion for this morning's adventure:

I also sent emails to all three children, asking them to STAY AWAY FROM THE F**KING WATER when Flossie comes to town...since, as noted above, "Flossie will also cause rough surf to develop in an east to west fashion across all of the Hawaiian islands Monday through Tuesday, creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers."

 My Boy surfing for the first time...sans Shark-Tricking Wetsuit

...creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers.

Of course.