Wednesday, October 31, 2012



I'm writing this one in super duper fast mode because I'm just home for lunch and I only have 40 minutes to bang this one out (pardon?) and I am typically a painfully slow "composer" ( it takes time to create the brilliance that is my writing) but this is a super duper important announcement that I want to get out there in order to give everyone time to run out to your nearest retailer and purchase the best movie ever before Halloween is over.

It is imperative that  TONIGHT you get your mitts on a copy of....

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Goddamn it's a phenomenal movie.

It is absolutely brilliant in soooooo many ways that I feel I must present to you:

"A Comprehensive List of What is Absolutely Brillant About The Nightmare Before I see it anyway"
by: squirrel_e_girl

  • The story is compelling and whimsical and spooky and poignant and funny and just plain old spectacular. It's based on a poem Tim Burton wrote back in 1982.
  • The stop-action animation is breath-taking. It really truly is. I've watched it every single Halloween since circa 1994 and each time I've been blown away by the "look" of this movie. All the amazingly intricate details are incredibly and even more so when you factor in the fact that they are little models being manipulated frame by's wild. What's even more wild is that up until last year, I've only ever watched it on VHS...??!!...I'm a pioneer, remember?? And then, last year on Halloween, I arrived in the year the 2000's and got the brain wave ... more like a brain tsunami ... to actually watch it on DVD and we drove around to every movie purchasing/rental place we could think of to find a copy...and we could only find ONE copy to rent. So we did. And then, we got home and all four of us settled in on the movie-watchin' couch and I proceeded to have my mind BLOWN...Holy Shit!! Apparently, an animated movie is about a bazillion times more amazing on DVD than it is on a 17 year old VHS tape...huh...weird. And since then, we searched the world and bought a BluRay copy through eBay and it is about a GAZILLION times more amazing than on DVD. Unreal.
  • The lyrics/dialogue are/is clever and funny and smart and witty and hilarious and totally crack me up year after year after year. HA!
  • The music, by Danny Elfman, is spectacular. He uses a full orchestra...and then some and it is staggeringly great. I'm pretty big on that sort of thing....right back to when I was a wee little squirrel and my favourite thing to do (other than reading Dr. Seuss and Winnie the Pooh) was to lie on the floor beside the speaker and listen to my story-set-to-orchestral-music records...I adored Peter and the Wolf and  3 Little Pigs. My little Self got totally freaked out by all the scary tunes... Love it!!
  • It's a multi-holiday movie...Halloween AND Christmas!! How awesome is that?? I can't even really remember what holiday it was actually intended for...I think it was originally released for the Christmas season way back then.
  • My kids love it as much as I do. We listened to the soundtrack FULL BLAST on the drive to school today and we sang our brains out alongside Jack Skellington... Magical. It really really was :D Actually...I have to admit...that I got all teary-eyed after I dropped them off and carried on listening to it on my way to work. It was wonderful. I have to get back to work and then get home and carve a whack of pumpkins (why we didn't do it last night, i'm not entirely sure) and put up my halloween lights and then when all the lil trick or treaters have been and gone(we're super excited because we'll actually get some kids this sis-in-law told me 15-20 of them apparently... which is a HUGE deal since for the past 3 years we have been trick or treater-less because our old house was stuck on a road out in the country. We're still stuck on a road out in the country in our new house but we are just up that country road from a nice little tiny subdivision where apparently 15-30 kiddos live :D ...we'll settle in on our movie-watchin' couch and watch what is probably my favourite movie of all time.

Happy Halloween!!!

p.s. This is my favourite song:

I absolutely adore the clever and awesome!!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

And The Tooth Fairy Can Kiss My Ass, Too.


I've had it up to HERE with dentists.

They suck.

I used to like dentists.

I turned 40 and I didn't like dentists anymore.

Actually, I think I was still only 39 when going to the dentist became a bad thing.

Which is too bad.

For my entire life, my teeth have been as close to perfect as damn is to swearing. 

Actually, damn isn't really swearing even though that's how the saying goes so it kinda doesn’t really describe the near-perfect state of my teeth. I should probably say that my teeth have been as close to perfect as fuck is to swearing.
Ok...that's a more apt simile.

I’ve got one teeny tiny cavity. 

That’s it.

With the exception of that one measley spot, I was your typical Crest Kid.

I had the same awesome dentist for most of my life. He was great. Super funny and really laid back. Awesome guy.

The last thing I remember before the anaesthetic kicked in for my wisdom teeth extraction was him and his assistants comparing March Break tans . My 17 year old Self, thought that was hysterically cool and it has stuck with me ever since.

I loved him.

Even when I moved out West for a couple of post-university/pre-getting-married-having-a-couple-o-babies years, I scheduled my dentist appointments for when I was home for visits so I didn't have to go to anyone else. Only once did I go to an Out West dentist and that was right after we bought a place in Squamish and figured we were there for the long haul(wrong!), and so, we set down some finding a dentist... and I felt totally guilty for the entire appointment, like I was cheating on “Sully”- my most excellent dentist.

Then, weeks later, we moved home and all became right again in my dental world.

I even started flossing. luck would have it, my Erstwhile In-Laws are good friends with “Sully” and his awesome wife so I got to hang out with him more than once every 6-9 months. We even sat together at a Great Big Sea concert. Awesome. 

And, this past winter, Mrs. Sully came to my rescue in the grocery store when I didn't know how much stewing beef to buy in order to make my first stew. Awesome.

FYI- this post has gone waaaaaaayyyyy off-course...even by my standards.

Anyhow, about 5(6??...7??...8??) years ago, my beloved dentist started to retire and brought a new dentist on board.


But I adapted... 

... as I do....


...and I grew to kinda almost like his replacement...especially because she always, without fail, tells me how boring my teeth are (which she means in the best way possible). I get a warm, deep feeling of satisfaction and pride every time I hear those words.


They don't ring as true as they used to anymore...

...not since I turned 40 ....or 39...maybe it was 38.


A while back, there was a 3 year stretch where finances didn't allow for dental visits (The kids?...yes. The parents?...not so much)

So, my first visit back after my dental hiatus was less than pleasant ....lots of scraping and tsk-tsking...very VERY ouchie. It was so incredibly UNpleasant...especially for someone who was used to the dentist chair being a place of smiles and joy...that I made a solemn promise to my Self that went a little something like this:

Self, I swear...upon all that is sacred in this Universe and, quite possibly, beyond...that we will never ever EVER again have to endure such hellish hell in a dentist chair as we did today. We will be fucking impeccable in our dental hygiene. Fucking. Impeccable. And, we know what that means, right Self?? Flossing. Every. Single. Day.

And you know what???

I did it.

I flossed.

Every. Single. Day.

Without fail.

For 6-9 months.

I'm not known for my follow-through skills, so this was an accomplishment that I was pumped about.

And I was actually excited to get back in that chair 6-9 months later so I could show off my born-again "boring” teeth and enjoy a pain-free teeth-cleaning.

And you know what???

It hurt like a bastard...

I'd even go so far as to say that it hurt...

Like a motherfucker.

It did.

Holy shit.

I left that office in a morose state of frustrated disillusionment/disappointment. 

And, I was actually kinda pissed off.

I may have even gone home and crunched on some ice cubes and ate some salt water taffy .... and a candy apple ...without waiting 30 minutes.

I do know for sure, that, out of spite, I gave up flossing cold turkey.


See how I showed them???

My sense of logic is astounding.


It was explained to me on my next visit...which I pouted through(not easy to do with your mouth prised open)...that when women reach “a certain age” their mouths undergo some changes.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

It was the first time in my life that it became glaringly obvious that I was getting old. 

I was of “a certain age”.

Mortality set in.


See why I don't like going to the dentist anymore!! 


Anyhow, it would seem that when you get “old” your gums recede and expose nerves on your teeth and that makes them more sensitive to all the poking and prodding and scraping....thereby, making trips to the dentist suck balls.

So, to further depress my Self, as soon as I got my 38/39/40 year old Self home after that crappy appointment, I Google’d "receding gums".

Holy shit. 

You should see some of that craziness.


And it sure made me follow their advice and I modified my brushing habits....

I was all “up like the flowers/down like the rain”, reserving "back and forth like a choo choo train" for only the chewing surfaces. (Previously, I was primarily and indiscriminately “back and forth like a choo choo train” all over the place)


This whole anti-dentist rant and rampage comes on the heels of my last check-up/cleaning that, even with a handful of Advil, once again, hurt like a motherfucker.

Stupid receded gums and exposed nerves.


I'm pretty sure the woman who did my cleaning was drunk. She bounced polishers and ultra-sonic blasters off my bicuspids and suctioned my cheeks and tongue all willy-nilly-like and was merciless with all those sharp pointy metal spears. AND she was not sensitive to my jaw issue (I've got TMJ that warrants a whole post of its own...oyyoyyoy) and I had to keep tapping-out so she’d remove her weapons of mass pain-induction from my mouth so my aching jaw could have a 5 second reprieve.


She reminded me that the recession of my gums was typical for women “my age”.


She totally threw my daily morning routine into chaos by telling me that recent studies show that brushing your teeth less than 2-3 hours after drinking acidic beverages like wine, coffee and orange juice wreaks havoc on tooth enamel and will ultimately destroy it, leaving your teeth defenceless and wide open for decay to set in...

So, there goes my breakfast 1/2 carafe of red.


 Just jokes.

I don't do wine...or coffee.

But I do LOVE a small glass or two of OJ every morning with my cereal in order to wash down my HappyPills, and now, I can't do that AND have enamel on my teeth at the same time.

It's either brush my teeth BEFORE I drink my juice...BLECH!!


 ...drink my juice and forgo brushing my teeth...BLECH!!!

Both untenable.


My hands are tied.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...and I sure as hell can’t eat either a rock or a hard place because I have to limit my intake of hard apples(!!!???) order to avoid putting undue stress on both my dodgy gums and my teeth that are now showing the beginnings of cracks because I clench my teeth when I sleep...and when I'm awake.

They've recommended a night guard. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have a recurring dream/nightmare where my teeth crumble and fall apart in my mouth and I have to constantly spit them out...nice.

So, I guess all this tooth doom and gloom stems from the simple fact that I'm just bummed out by the thought that I am in for 40 minutes to an hour of torturous pain every 6-9 months...for the Rest of My Life.

I don't even want to think of the possibility of a lifetime of OJ-less breakfasts...

...or an eternity of nights saddled with a sexy and romantic night guard...

You see why I've had it up to HERE with dentists???


Now, for a bedtime snack of jello, mashed potatoes and Sensodyne.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Beware, Fellow Bloggers!!!

Greetings, Other People Who Blog!!

In spite of what I may have advised in my last post...

Do NOT!!

let me repeat that..

Do NOT!!! pretty fall-type pictures in order to boost your Pageview count!!

Or, at least don't post them and then brag, for all the world to hear, about how the pumpkins and mums acted as catalysts for an unprecedented surge in your blog's Pageview stats.

For if you do...


Could very well happen to you!!
(this is a table cut and pasted from my blog's Stat page)

Pageviews today
Pageviews yesterday
Pageviews last month
Pageviews all time history
Don't track your own pageviews


Heartbreaking, isn't it??

For those of you to whom the tragedy of that table is not sadly obvious...

My Pageview count was wiped out.

I used to have a whole lot more than 1 piddly single solitary Pageview in my "all time history".

It's like I never existed.

I have no idea why....


Maybe it was wiped out as a warning.

...An ominous threat.

Kinda like finding a horse head on my pillow...

...but different.

Maybe someone important at Google was afraid that if word got out about the "Pumpkins & Mums Effect", all the blogs here on Blogger would be inundated with mobs and mobs of weenies looking at pretty fall-ish photos and the whole Blogspot system would crash...


Even more cataclysmic...

...Maybe they feared that, ultimately, Google itself would be overwhelmed by pumpkin and mum lovers and it would crash...

...and the world as we know it would come grinding to a Google-less halt.


I guess I can live with starting over with my Stats if it means saving the world.

You're welcome.


....well, I have to start building my Pageview count back up again, don't I?

p.p.s. In case anyone was wondering, the lone pagview came from Russia. Russians dig me. As I've mentioned before, I am to Russia what The Hoff is to Germany.

p.p.p.s. Upon further scrutiny, the calculations of the Pageview table seem to be a bit suspect. If they counted 1 pageview "last month" and 1 pageview "today" wouldn't that be 2 pageviews in "all time history'? and not just 1?? I know I'm an English major but even I can figure out that 1+1=2. Usually.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Attention, Fellow Bloggers!!

Hey there, other people who blog!!

I just want to pass on a tip that, if implemented, will cause a rather dramatic spike in your "Pageviews" stats...and when I say "a rather dramatic spike", I  really mean a rather dramatic spike.




All you gotta do is.....
(drumroll please)

Post a pretty fall-ish picture of a bunch of pretty mums surrounded by a whole lotta pretty pumpkins.

It's just that easy.

I posted this lovely photo this past Saturday:

...and my Pageview numbers went through the roof.

Yep. They did.

Now really all that means is that there are a ton of other weenies like me out there Google Image searching for pictures of Fall mums and/or pumpkins and that particular picture from my blog post pops up in the results and then they click on the picture and say "What a pretty Fall themed picture." and carry on with their search for more Fall-themed pictures...most likely not spending a single second actually reading my blog.


It counts as a Pageview.


This is what has happened today so far...

Search Keywords

fall pumpkins
fall pictures with pumpkins and leaves
leaves and pumpkins
country songs about broke down trucks
fall leaves and pumpkins
fall mums and pumpkin background pictures
fall pumpkins and leaves
funny pumpkins pictures
mr rogers in a speedo
pumpkins and leaves images


Pumpkins + Mums = Pageview GOLD

And ...

That would've been a big deal to me when I first started writing and would get super excited whenever I got a new Pageview and was thrilled when my numbers kept climbing and then I paid more attention to the other stats and realized that a lot of the Pageviews that I was getting were coming from other sites who are just "viewing" all sorts of blogs(including mine) hoping to get reciprocal "Pageviews" on their sites. Typically, they are hits from Russians, porn sites, other social media sites, sites that offer services that one can buy in order to guarantee an increase in Pageviews, and most recently, people who enjoy looking a pretty Fall pictures.

So really, this entire post is kinda pointless (huh?...weird) but I just thought it was kinda funny that pumpkins and mums have caused such a stir in my silly blog's statistical status.